In short, the answer to the afore mentioned question is nothing. But with every "in short" comes the inevitable splurge of "in full'. So, I think fights are important. There I said it. Without conflict, and a little pain, no growth or learning can be achieved. Without voicing my entire private life online let me give you a scenario:
As alot of you know, in contrast to my amazing husband, I hate boardgames. Both me and said spouse are ultra competitive even though I dislike conflict more than boardgames and usually give in to arguments to avoid a full on domestic. I will loosely attribute the polar feelings towards games to our upbringings. His family is very connected and mine is not. I will not mention people that were unplesant loosers and not very nice winners either *cough*dad*cough*.
We were down visiting family and cranium got plopped down on the table infront of us. Inwardly groaning I awaited what I deemed to be inevitable conflict. It may have been because I was looking for it that Conflict eventually arose. (for the record I maintain that conflict found me, not the other way around)
It was not really a big issue... More my own pride getting in the way. But loving husband ended up making me feel embarrassed infront of all present. To avoid bursting into tears at his off hand comment telling me to "get over it" I gave him a smack over the back of his head and told him not to be a dick. He slapped me emotonally and because anger is easier than being upset I retaliated with a physical slap (in front of his mum no less!)
At games end I said "lets go for a walk" and dragged him from the room. An analytical conversation about a fight is best done when both parties have had a chance to cool off (keep in mind that girls are like slow cookers and boys are like microwaves so while he had let it go my emotional stew was ready and I was still trying to summon up a side of apologetic fries to go along with it) When I was speaking in a cool tone and had ordered my thoughts into actual words he was better able to understand how he had upset me and why I reacted how I did. Then we both settled on an agreement that yes we both make mistakes and wee episodes like that are better dealt with like the conversation out of the public eye that we were having and without the spat that precluded it. My mother always told me to learn from her mistakes but I find myself making mistakes all the same. Maybe not the same as hers but mistakes are the best way to learn and hopefully writing about mine will lessen the "pool of mistakes made without the option of learning from some one elses first".
Of course sometimes its not easy to stop a spat from happening in public and you only realise in hindsight that it was avoidable if both parties had thought before the acted. I think my point would not have been taken seriously if I had not acted out of the norm in the first place but nevertheless the fight drew us just that little bit closer to understanding one another. This process I imagine will take the rest of our lives and the fact that people change as they grow older will probably extend the process to the point where it can never be fully accomplished. Do not let that be a put off for marriage because part of any relationship is loving one anothers differences.
To make the most of a fight make sure the "aggressive negotiaton" is the meat in an "I love you" sandwich and remember that
We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. He appointed them to be saved in keeping with his purpose.
Romans 8:28
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