The Anniversary

I am coming up one year married in about a weeks time and all this talk of what an occasion it is has got me thinking about the year past.
Everyone told me "J, the first year is always the hardest" and I suppose in a way it was. There have been many ups and downs as two deeply in love people discover the quirks which make them just that, people. Boys are messy and blunt and full of self love. Girls are emotional and needy and quick to judge themselves based on the slightest offhand comment from their partner (or for that matter any man with a strong influence in their life). I quickly had to learn that bluntness does not fill the needy void. Neither does putting extra thought into absolutely everything you do for a man grant you his attention or praise.

I find myself at fault in this moment as I realise that I still try too hard and I am still suprised when dissapointed. I think too often the reason for our dissapointment (and subsequent outbursts or the classic 'silent treatment') is due to our preconcieved ideas about how a man should act around a lady. When we cook him a meal we expect him to say "wow babe this tastes amazing! Thanks!" or we expect them to notice things that all of 'man'kind seems oblivious to, such as when we vacuum the floor or make the bed. It is these expectations that lead us to think they do not care about us. One of my most common complaints this past year has been that I feel like a maid with benefits. When upset about being wronged by the person closest to you we never consider the awesome thing they did for us just the other day or the fact that they had no idea how we were feeling as we never told them. All we can think about is how they "should have known". True I am a big believer in the idea that if you have to ask some one "if it was a nice meal" or "to say thankyou" then even if they acquiesce it is hollow and without meaning because asking for praise or manners or even an apology negates the person comming to the conclusion that you are worth their time by themself.

Apology is another big subject I have struggled with. If your spouse turns out to be in the wrong and refuses to apologize, its as if they do not care how the issue made you feel or made you look in front of others. It seems the old adage "even if you are right, apologise to your wife" is quite a good piece of advice for a strong marriage.

So while my husband works on these subjects (I am in denile. This actually means forgets, moves on and plays computer games while I stew, and then wonders why I am pissed off with him later) my big goal/journey this past year has been trying to get my weight back down after coming off contraceptives. 60kg seems like an impossible target at the moment as my body seems to refuse to drop past 80. Muscles toning up, sure. Ice hockey 3 times a week, sure. Gym 3 times a week, sure. No sugar, only protein and healthy fats and veges, sure. But alas the scales are still the enemy. I may be gaining muscle but the distinct feeling of lack of any progress whatsoever is very disheartening and leads to me becomming very insecure and starting to doubt his love and most definately his respect. Thus we loop back to guys not knowing what they should say. No "wow babe you are looking great today" or "you are doing really well at making healthy choices lately". Motivation is elusive when you feel like nothing is noticable.

My ongoing mission is to stop having expectations of men and to start having expectations of myself. That yes, I can do anything if I try. That ofcourse I'm lovable and worth marrying. That yes, I am worthy of respect even when I am told I'm not by the person whos opinion I value most. That indeed my help does come from the Lord. I need to feel sexy and worth pursuing again...

Psalm 121:

 ¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

   where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,

   the Maker of heaven and earth.

 ³ He will not let your foot slip—    (or your stomach)

   he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel

   will neither slumber nor sleep.

 ⁵ The LORD watches over you—

   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,

   nor the moon by night.

 ⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—

   he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going

   both now and forevermore. (good to know at least HE of all men is intrested in the small details of my life and invented the words that all women want to hear)