Confidence

So I'm listening to Bruno Mars and Katy Perry and have got to thinking about self image.
I know loaded topic right, but funnily enough I don't feel like I have a lot to say on the subject. Except... its hard. Its bloody hard. Especially for girls.
Sophie is sitting at my feet licking herself. As far as cats go she is definitely what I would consider beautiful, but she probably doesn't care what she looks like. Isn't it odd that humans are the only species on earth that worry about their looks? There are plenty of animals all over the world that use displays to attract a mate, and most animals groom themselves and each other as a bonding ritual and just generally taking care of themselves. But do they get depressed?Unlike humans the females are usually the ones that are dull, and can also have their pick of any male they want and the males are the ones who are brightly coloured. Being down on ourselves is a very human condition. If we took less time worrying about how we looked and just accepted who we are we would have way less problems. We do need to take care of ourselves though. Exercise, eating right, keeping clean. Finding ways to compensate for the fact that we no longer have to hunt our food. Perhaps if your shop will be small then walk to the supermarket with an Eco-bag (they are nicer to carry that plastic bags). Do sit ups during the ads while you watch TV. Bike to places in easy reach and gradually extend your distances.

Take care of yourself and let having a healthy lifestyle take care of the rest. I hate dieting but this morning I looked in the mirror and thought "yep. Not too bad today". I don't feel like I have lost fat but I have definitely toned up a bit. I have resolved to stop being down on myself and just listen to what my body says it needs, and also realise when it is only wanting something because I've trained it to think it needs it. Goodbye junk food addiction! I also have to tell my body wants at this stage. Forced motivation to go to the gym will eventually turn into a routine my body loves.

I'm sure our men would love us to stop bitching about how imperfect we are. We are the one they chose out of all the others after all. But more than our men how much are we disrespecting God by moaning about ourselves? He made us in his image and we were made perfectly. We are responsible for our own temples. It is not Gods fault if we choose not to look after ourselves. King David got his attitude right. He knew who he was and who created him. By looking to God instead of focusing on our imperfections we gain not only a healthy body but a healthy soul as well. People who are confident are much more pleasant to be around and their confidence is contagious.

Psalm 139

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

the true meaning of lovespect

Love is a beautiful thing. We see Gods displays of love for us on a daily basis. Its not hard to see why I used to think love was how you acted towards someone and respect was the attitude you held towards someone. Now I know its the other way around. I have to give credit to Kevin for this one. We had bounced from topic to topic until we came to marriage. Kevin simply said "a man can beat his wife and she can still turn around and say "I know he loves me" but love isn't enough to sustain a marriage. There has to be respect too. Respect is that little thing you do for a person to make them feel like they are important to you. Love is an emotion. Sure its important but it can be there one day and gone the next. Respect is what gives a marriage 'staying power'..." He said more but it was in relation to all the previous topics so we will just munch over this bit for a while.

In the car on the way home my husband mentioned that he would "have to re-map how he respected me". You see we had both gotten our views of what love and respect was, mixed up. Now here I am going to introduce a bit of a funny idea so stay with me... True love IS respect. Wo.... wait a sec. You just said they were different. And surely you don't marry someone just because you respect them. You have to love them too right?

Sure. To make my point though lets have a look at how the bible describes it.

First of all we are told  Husbands, love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands. Why? Because men are naturals at respect so need to be reminded to show love while women are emotional creatures so need to be reminded to show respect. This verse is not saying that husbands need not show respect and wives need not show love but rather that both parties should pay attention to both facets of love/respect. (lets just call it lovespect)

Now we get to 1Corinthians 13. The love scripture. Often read shakily by a bridesmaid or distant cousin at weddings. Have we ever truly done a Dr Barringer and analyzed this scripture though? (Dr B was my English teacher in high school. Right now I am thanking her for the skills she gave me.)

 ¹ If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

 ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 ¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

From this we can gather love must be pretty important. Paul is saying here that he could have Absolutely everything in the world. The car, the boat, the batch, and the powerball winning number! But if he didn't have love he would have nothing. Our materialistic society is another good topic but we will leave that for another day.

Enter Dr B.

Love is patient. What does that mean for a marriage? Don't always point out mistakes. Give your spouse time to learn and do it their way.

Love is kind. Don't be mean. So no sarcasm or putting them down in front of others (starting to sound alot like respect eh?)

It does not envy. Guys especially for you but for the women as well, Don't look at other women! (or men) lustfully. When you are married you become one (matt 19:5-6) so not only are you disrespecting your partner by letting your eyes wander (or women making yourselves targets for wandering eyes!) but you are disrespecting yourself.

It does not boast. When having an argument how many people start waxing righteous and making their partner seem the one at fault?Yeah. Don't do that. Don't be a self righteous prick. No one appreciates a huge ego, especially not yourself. Guys don't hear me wrong. I am not saying its bad to be confident. You can be confident without boasting. Boasting automatically changes the confidence to arrogance.

It is not proud. Suck it up and say sorry every once and a while. It will not kill you to not be right all the time. In fact you may even find it a bit of a release to take responsibility for being wrong instead of always having to defend yourself.

It does not dishonour others. Re read "love is kind" and "it does not envy" and "it does not boast"  

It is not self seeking. Re read "it is not proud". Also this means thinking of your spouse before yourself. aka Don't be selfish! You will find that if this happens (especially in the bedroom) a marriage will be a lot more fulfilling.

It is not easily angered. Keep a lid on it. Remember that their opinion counts and don't take personal offence at every little thing. So don't be self seeking and proud. (you can see the recurring themes that seem to be of particular importance)

It keeps no record of wrongs. Basically don't go to sleep angry at each other and if you fight again do not bring up past offences. Stay on topic and don't belittle the other person.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. Be honest and keep your heart pure. If you know you screwed up take it before God and get your attitude towards your spouse back to full 'lovespect'

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Forever be looking for the best in your partner, and seek to keep those virtues safe. Get that? Not only "save them if they are about to fall off a cliff" but protect their virtues. If you are causing your partner to sin or are sinning yourself in a way that could make them insecure or feel like they are not enough for you them are you really loving them? Is that really respect?

 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.   

It also says in the bible that God IS love. Think about that. Does your view of God line up with a God that treats you with lovespect? Greater love has no man than to lay down his life for a friend or for all mankind...

there is no "you suck" in team

So I have finally reached the monumental 1 full year married. We spent a glorious week in wanaka overdosing on vit.D during the day and taking strolls in the water with the lazy waves warming our feet  evenings. A time of relaxation for the heart and contemplation for the soul.
An episode at masters ice hockey got me thinking about teams and how best they function. As a married couple God created us to be a team so here comes the heavily loaded metaphore.

In every team there are players with particular strengths and, lets call them, "growth points". Anyone who has ever been in a team knows that each player plays how they play and even though training can improve their skill the technique is specific to them and is crafted over years of learning as they go. Different "coaches" and fellow team mates giving them pointers leads to a mish mash of skills that make them a unique asset to a team.
The best teams are the ones that can recognise the differences in skill levels and skill areas and use the differences to the advantage of the whole team. Instead of saying "no. you suck, you have to change" a good team leader will say "ok you are strong in this area. Work on this... and you are strong in that area. Work on this". Then everyone has something to better themselves on and everyone has a place and feels like they are contributing in a positive way.

The same goes in a good strong healthy marriage. No one is told they suck. Differences are recognised and upbringings are not belittled (after all, the attitude towards the upbringing defines the person). Instead of a clash of skills and one trying to outdo the other the differences provide a balance. You should pick and choose your strong points in accordance with your spouses and this should lead to the players in the team complementing each other rather than having a team that will never work well together and will never win.

ephesians 4:16

¹⁶ From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. 

(and a slightly modified version of 1Cor 9:24)
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
Do you not know that in a tournament all the teams compete but only one team gets the prize? Work together in such a way as to win the prize.