pro vs con

This is possibly the hardest move I have encountered. All other moves I have been involved in went basically smoothly. This house has a big lounge, pro. Crappy water pressure, new bond, telstra refusing to set up internet because we are in a block of flats, sophie peeing on our chair, old landlord saying the gardens werent neat enough and taking the price of a gardner off the bond we desperately need back, trying to save for a week away over our anniversary but not having a job, having a ding put in lathams subi that may or may not have been my fault, being reminded by my husband that it was my idea to move everytime we encounter a problem, con.

Granted not all of these thing involve moving and could have happened at any time however pressure is easy to handle in small doses but not all at once. For me these have blurred into one big nightmare.

I have been reminded of a song we used to sing in primary school

She'll be right, she'll be right
Thats the story morning glory we can make it right
Have a go, you never know
Whats the hurry say no worries we'll be home and hosed.

Perhaps the number 8 wire spirit eludes me.

 Luke 12:22-35

Do Not Worry

 ²² Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. ²³ For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. ²⁴ Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! ²⁵ Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? ²⁶ Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?    ²⁷ “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ²⁸ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! ²⁹ And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. ³⁰ For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. ³¹ But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

   ³² “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. ³³ Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. ³⁴ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

time to move

Well the day is finally upon us to move all our stuff. Moving is stressful and can be quite tiring if you aren't prepared for it. On the one hand its great! We have a nice lounge and we managed to get the single bed up the stairs. On the other hand the high water pressure we were promised is severely lacking and we arent sure we can get the queen bed up the stairs. We asked if the rooms would fit our bed and got told "one lady measured it for her king and it was large enough" so you just never think about the stairs.
In a way we can look at our lives and think yes this place is great! Yet we are trying to pack in all this stuff that God never wanted in our hearts in the first place. Frustration ensues and then we blame God.

"God why did you open the door if you never intended us to walk through it?"
"I am not one for closing doors on my children"
"Well then why didn't you tell us about the problems?!"
"Would you have listened with your heart so intent on something?"
"Probably not..."
"You have made your choice and you must live with it but I will be there to help you no matter what door you choose to go through. I am your security and you can lean on me every time you encounter some stairs. And know that wherever you are, if I am head of the house it will always be a good home."

money money

What an annoying necessity. I wish we didn't have to rely on it. As our anniversary looms we are learning (and struggling) to trust God for what we want and need. If only there was some way of winning lotto without all the hassle of having to spend money on a ticket and then not winning.

I guess having God is like having a lotto ticket that has the winning numbers and can be given to anyone without the amount being split between winners. Who would keep something like that to themselves?? I feel like that someone would be me right now.
I got told that God would provide me with a job at "just the right time". Yeah God... some indication of dates would be nice. Why is it so hard to trust someone whom you know to be perfect?
If someone came to me and said "I will give you a million dollars on friday at 12:32pm" and another guy said "I will provide for you for the rest of your life but you may not notice all the ways and it wont necessarily be money" I would probably choose the million dollars. I'm not sure if that makes me a bad christian for thinking of God as an ATM...

Psalm 23

A psalm of David. ¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

 ² He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

 ³ he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

   for his name’s sake.

⁴ Even though I walk

   through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

   for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

   they comfort me.

 ⁵ You prepare a table before me

   in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

   my cup overflows.

⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me

   all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

   forever.

kindness, gentleness, self control and love.

Only you can decide if you are going to be in a good mood or a bad mood.
Very true. However today I stummbled across an odd situation in which I knew I was in a bad mood but while my brain clearly told me "be rational. you know you are in a mood. calm down and smile. you are only mad because you are hungry" my mood retorted with "make me!"
It was all I could do to say sorry to my husband (who was the only one on whom said mood was being unveiled to) and explain to him that while I knew myself to be in a mood and had the ability to change the negative atmosphere I was creating, my mood had taken me hostage and could I please ask his forgiveness in advance.
How exactly does one control ones body as christ compells us to do when ones body tells you to go get tossed?

1 Cor 9:24-28

The Need for Self-Discipline

 ²⁴ Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. ²⁵ Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶ Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. ²⁷ No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

I also learned an important thing about men today. Something I already knew but got a fresh revelation of. Guys respond to negative reinforcement. Tell them they cannot do something and by crikey they will try it. I guess the natural progression is that they just expect females to function the same way. Some girls do. But an awesome talk of security and whos job it was to make up for a lack of security in a relationship lead to an epiphany that girls respond better to positive reinforcement. Especially in sports. Whats the point in trying to impress someone when they tell you you suck at everything and the effort you're putting in isn't good enough?

I think the both of us are beginning to realise just how much God entrusted us with in a marriage. A marriage is meant to enhance you as a person. And sex is an addition to a healthy relationship not a substitution for talking. Love and respect, kindness and gentleness, self control and sex. They both have to go both ways or it just gets too draining on the other person.

Let There Be Kitten. and there was Sophie

Worn down or just abundantly generous? The heart of a father is an interesting thing to think about. If you ask your father for a chocolate buscuit and he says no, the instinct of a child is to keep asking in the hope of wearing him down. Hoping that eventually he will say "FINE! You know what?! Take the whole packet!" Secretly chuckling at the free spirit of his child. After a year of pleading incessantly I was suprised with a kitten for my birthday. Sophie is currently trying to wile her way onto my laptop. She pretends to love me to get warmth. This addition to our family has added a lightness to our hearts and a laugh to our mornings as she attacks feet, bouncing all over our bed spread. Somehow her contentedness rubs off on us. Kittens can smile. I'm sure of it.

(Luke 11.9-12)

 ⁷Ask, and you will receive. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened for you. ⁸Everyone who asks will receive. Everyone who searches will find. And the door will be opened for everyone who knocks. ⁹Would any of you give your hungry child a stone, if the child asked for some bread? ¹⁰Would you give your child a snake if the child asked for a fish? ¹¹As bad as you are, you still know how to give good gifts to your children. But your heavenly Father is even more ready to give good things to people who ask.

Let There Be Light.

Upon posting about my first year married, I was asked by a friend "what would you do differently?". As per instructions (because yes, sometimes I do follow them) I decided that such a thought train may infact benefit people, even if it was mainly just neurological fodder for myself.

In short, the answer to the afore mentioned question is nothing. But with every "in short" comes the inevitable splurge of "in full'. So, I think fights are important. There I said it. Without conflict, and a little pain, no growth or learning can be achieved. Without voicing my entire private life online let me give you a scenario:

As alot of you know, in contrast to my amazing husband, I hate boardgames. Both me and said spouse are ultra competitive even though I dislike conflict more than boardgames and usually give in to arguments to avoid a full on domestic. I will loosely attribute the polar feelings towards games to our upbringings. His family is very connected and mine is not. I will not mention people that were unplesant loosers and not very nice winners either *cough*dad*cough*.
We were down visiting family and cranium got plopped down on the table infront of us. Inwardly groaning I awaited what I deemed to be inevitable conflict. It may have been because I was looking for it that Conflict eventually arose. (for the record I maintain that conflict found me, not the other way around)

It was not really a big issue... More my own pride getting in the way. But loving husband ended up making me feel embarrassed infront of all present. To avoid bursting into tears at his off hand comment telling me to "get over it" I gave him a smack over the back of his head and told him not to be a dick. He slapped me emotonally and because anger is easier than being upset I retaliated with a physical slap (in front of his mum no less!)
At games end I said "lets go for a walk" and dragged him from the room. An analytical conversation about a fight is best done when both parties have had a chance to cool off (keep in mind that girls are like slow cookers and boys are like microwaves so while he had let it go my emotional stew was ready and I was still trying to summon up a side of apologetic fries to go along with it) When I was speaking in a cool tone and had ordered my thoughts into actual words he was better able to understand how he had upset me and why I reacted how I did. Then we both settled on an agreement that yes we both make mistakes and wee episodes like that are better dealt with like the conversation out of the public eye that we were having and without the spat that precluded it. My mother always told me to learn from her mistakes but I find myself making mistakes all the same. Maybe not the same as hers but mistakes are the best way to learn and hopefully writing about mine will lessen the "pool of mistakes made without the option of learning from some one elses first".

Of course sometimes its not easy to stop a spat from happening in public and you only realise in hindsight that it was avoidable if both parties had thought before the acted. I think my point would not have been taken seriously if I had not acted out of the norm in the first place but nevertheless the fight drew us just that little bit closer to understanding one another. This process I imagine will take the rest of our lives and the fact that people change as they grow older will probably extend the process to the point where it can never be fully accomplished. Do not let that be a put off for marriage because part of any relationship is loving one anothers differences.

To make the most of a fight make sure the "aggressive negotiaton" is the meat in an "I love you" sandwich and remember that

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. He appointed them to be saved in keeping with his purpose.

Romans 8:28

The Anniversary

I am coming up one year married in about a weeks time and all this talk of what an occasion it is has got me thinking about the year past.
Everyone told me "J, the first year is always the hardest" and I suppose in a way it was. There have been many ups and downs as two deeply in love people discover the quirks which make them just that, people. Boys are messy and blunt and full of self love. Girls are emotional and needy and quick to judge themselves based on the slightest offhand comment from their partner (or for that matter any man with a strong influence in their life). I quickly had to learn that bluntness does not fill the needy void. Neither does putting extra thought into absolutely everything you do for a man grant you his attention or praise.

I find myself at fault in this moment as I realise that I still try too hard and I am still suprised when dissapointed. I think too often the reason for our dissapointment (and subsequent outbursts or the classic 'silent treatment') is due to our preconcieved ideas about how a man should act around a lady. When we cook him a meal we expect him to say "wow babe this tastes amazing! Thanks!" or we expect them to notice things that all of 'man'kind seems oblivious to, such as when we vacuum the floor or make the bed. It is these expectations that lead us to think they do not care about us. One of my most common complaints this past year has been that I feel like a maid with benefits. When upset about being wronged by the person closest to you we never consider the awesome thing they did for us just the other day or the fact that they had no idea how we were feeling as we never told them. All we can think about is how they "should have known". True I am a big believer in the idea that if you have to ask some one "if it was a nice meal" or "to say thankyou" then even if they acquiesce it is hollow and without meaning because asking for praise or manners or even an apology negates the person comming to the conclusion that you are worth their time by themself.

Apology is another big subject I have struggled with. If your spouse turns out to be in the wrong and refuses to apologize, its as if they do not care how the issue made you feel or made you look in front of others. It seems the old adage "even if you are right, apologise to your wife" is quite a good piece of advice for a strong marriage.

So while my husband works on these subjects (I am in denile. This actually means forgets, moves on and plays computer games while I stew, and then wonders why I am pissed off with him later) my big goal/journey this past year has been trying to get my weight back down after coming off contraceptives. 60kg seems like an impossible target at the moment as my body seems to refuse to drop past 80. Muscles toning up, sure. Ice hockey 3 times a week, sure. Gym 3 times a week, sure. No sugar, only protein and healthy fats and veges, sure. But alas the scales are still the enemy. I may be gaining muscle but the distinct feeling of lack of any progress whatsoever is very disheartening and leads to me becomming very insecure and starting to doubt his love and most definately his respect. Thus we loop back to guys not knowing what they should say. No "wow babe you are looking great today" or "you are doing really well at making healthy choices lately". Motivation is elusive when you feel like nothing is noticable.

My ongoing mission is to stop having expectations of men and to start having expectations of myself. That yes, I can do anything if I try. That ofcourse I'm lovable and worth marrying. That yes, I am worthy of respect even when I am told I'm not by the person whos opinion I value most. That indeed my help does come from the Lord. I need to feel sexy and worth pursuing again...

Psalm 121:

 ¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

   where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,

   the Maker of heaven and earth.

 ³ He will not let your foot slip—    (or your stomach)

   he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel

   will neither slumber nor sleep.

 ⁵ The LORD watches over you—

   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,

   nor the moon by night.

 ⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—

   he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going

   both now and forevermore. (good to know at least HE of all men is intrested in the small details of my life and invented the words that all women want to hear)

In the beginning, there was blog.

I have been fair warned that blogging can become an obsessive compulsive disorder. However, always the optimist, we shall see if this can help me and maybe even others gain some insight into my day to day ramblings and the world which inspired them.

Now, I like structure as much as the next guy but the problem is the next guy is not particularly organised, so decidedly there must be a structure from the outset or this may become just a place to vent my frustrations on the world. God knows there are already numerous disgruntled human beings that inhabit cyberspace so I will endevour not to increase that statistic.

So structure will go something like this: What I am thinking about. What I have learnt about said subject. How this impacts on me. What I need to work on. A relevant bible verse on the subject (if I can find one)

Enjoy.
J