So. What did I learn from it? How to relax maybe. But mainly conflict resolution. The actual conflict happened before we went away. Both my husband and one of my best friends have oldest child tendencies. Not just that but they are both "aggressive firstborns". When it came to organisation they both knew exactly what they wanted and it was not the same thing.
The seeming disagreement was over whether or not to take a wash up basin. It sounded silly to me, both now and at the time, however I figured it was just a scapegoat for an underlying issue. In typical "compliant firstborn" style I tried to mediate and offer a temporary solution. The girls would organise the food and homey touches. The boys could organise travel and where to camp and all the functional things. It didn't fix the problem but it was enough to get one firstborn out of the house to go play snooker while me and the other did our girl thing and sorted out food. It didnt however prevent a last "don't let things get excessive" speech before his departure.
I had originally hoped to confront the situation when my husband returned but I decided to let him look at the list and hopefully he would agree it was reasonable and I could get on and enjoy the weekend.
Alas it was not to be. He was force fed our list and told it was non negotiable. Having his input and control taken away was enough to put him over the edge no matter how reasonable the list. He graciously held back until the other half of our camping party had left.
He made a valid point during his tirade. "A man will bend over backwards for only two people. His mother, and any girl under the age of 10. Anyone else has to earn his respect". Unfortunately my friend was neither his mother nor a preadolescent girl. Even though she was engaged to his older brother, in his mind she had simply come into his family and decreed how things were to be done without even attempting to be sympathetic to the family etiquette, so his respect meter was plummeting towards zero. And with that my list was slapped forcefully down on my leg. Suddenly I flipped back to life-before-the-divorce mode. I tuned out to the fact he was ranting about something totally unrelated to me. I simply saw anger aimed at me and took it personally. I froze and when the dialogue stopped I quickly excused myself from the room before any weakness could be shown. I came out of my haze to find myself sitting in the hallway with his mother giving me a hug.
When He had cooled off he came out to see where I had run off too. This was not in keeping with my traditional conflict resolution protocol when growing up, which involved washing my face in cold water and returning to the room like nothing had happened. It seems my husband it not a fan of rugs and the stuff that is under them. He responded to the situation in true top-layer-only style. "I'm sorry for hating on your friend". I told him I didn't care how much he got angry with my friends as long as it wasn't me he took it out on and that I no longer wanted to go camping for fear of walking on eggshells all weekend. I wanted to enjoy myself not be constantly wary of a potential explosion that would involve me haing to take sides.
He explained how he felt re being told he had no say in his own house and that I hadn't defended him. I explained that I never used to have to defend him as he was always the laid back, go-with-the-flow one out of the two of us. Maybe I should have taken his side because even if his point about not taking the wash basin was not really something I agreed with, his underlying need to be respected in his own house was something I think he had every right to expect.
He agreed that for the weekend he would suck it up and let me enjoy myself. Once a situation calms down its easier to see that small things are not the real reason for some arguments and perhaps weren't worth getting worked up about. But in the end I am glad we had the talk even if it took me realising I still have issues with my father and freaking out to make it happen.
I have learnt the difference between staying quiet out of fear and staying quiet out of respect for my husband. This verse has, to me, always meant "women are inferior and God is happy if you just keep your mouth shut and do what you're told". But now I know that it means live in such a way that you are a positive influence on your husband. Don't just be a door mat but rather be the servant heart that all christians are called to be. And never forget that you have the exact same value as your husband in God's eyes and that you should be treated with respect by your husband.
1 Peter 3
Wives and Husbands
1 In the same way, you wives should yield to your husbands. Then, if some husbands do not obey God's teaching, they will be persuaded to believe without anyone's saying a word to them. They will be persuaded by the way their wives live.2 Your husbands will see the pure lives you live with your respect for God.3 It is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful.4 No, your beauty should come from within you—the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that will never be destroyed and is very precious to God.5 In this same way the holy women who lived long ago and followed God made themselves beautiful, yielding to their own husbands.6 Sarah obeyed Abraham, her husband, and called him her master. And you women are true children of Sarah if you always do what is right and are not afraid. 7 In the same way, you husbands should live with your wives in an understanding way, since they are weaker than you. Show them respect, because God gives them the same blessing he gives you—the grace that gives true life. Do this so that nothing will stop your prayers.
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